Nightmare

    Plato’s “cave” reminds me of my own personal “cave” that I struggle through. Throughout most of my life, I have been caged within my own personal “cave”. I have been a prisoner to my own mind by falling victim to my own fears. I can remember when this all started. In the 10th grade or sophomore year in high school, I had a nervous breakdown. Before my nervous breakdown, I was a happy, energetic, social person. After this event, I was never the same again. This nervous breakdown was both mental and physical. Mental in that my parents had put so much pressure on me that summer to learn to drive, learn to swim, get a job, and get good grades to go to a UC college. At the same time, it was physical because I had stopped eating and my diet basically consisted of soda and Gatorade (that’s a lot of acid). I broke down and sunk deep into my shell. I became so afraid of everything that I could hardly leave the house. It was hard to raise any confidence for myself since I had developed acid reflex and an eating disorder. It was really hard for me to do anything because I felt like throwing up constantly. I still had to go to school next year, because my parents forced me. But, I wasn’t the same kid in school. I was in a constant state of panic while at school. I was afraid and really nervous during class participation and class presentations because I was afraid I might throw up in front of everyone. I was really sad and disappointed by what my life was and all I could think about was suicide. I felt that living this way was torturous and that the only way I could find peace was through death. I never actually committed suicide, but it was on my mind 24/7.

    Eventually, I did begin to fight my fears. I put in personal effort to expose myself to the outside world and I was able to gain some confidence back, though it was gradual. After graduating high school, I did eventually learn how to swim, drive, got a job, and went to a city college for school. I did everything at my own pace, even though others might consider it as "slow". At times it has been very hard for me, but I was able to keep my fears at bay. Two years ago, I met my girlfriend online and took a big step by getting onto a plane (first time flying alone) and flew 3,000 miles to meet her in person. She has given me inspiration and strength to live. I’ve gone a long way, but I still haven’t defeated my fears. I’m still very nervous about attending my new school here at San Francisco State University. It’s my first semester here and I don’t know what to expect. I guess I’m still in the process of crawling out of my “cave”. I know that I’m locked inside my own “cave”, but I want to get out because I do want to live the life that I desire. One thing I know for sure is that it’s not fun to live inside a cave.